Helping your Child Handle Cliques and Navigate the Social Jungle
Being “in” is every child’s dream, but being excluded is painful. There is nothing worse than eating lunch alone and not getting invited to parties and sleepovers. Cliques rule. Trying to get out of a clique can be just as difficult as trying to get in.
Unfortunately, as a parent you cannot assure your child that he/she will be included in the next exclusive gathering, nor can you save him/her from being snubbed. However, there are some things that you can say and do to help your child learn to navigate the social jungle, bounce back from rejection and learn to fit in.
- Be empathetic. “I know how tough it must be to be excluded. Let’s figure out some things that we can do about it.”
- Provide a balanced view. “Everyone does not hate you. What about your friend Sandra?” “You and Kevin were playing soccer at lunch – he’s a good friend.”
- Don’t press too hard. “This is a tough topic. I’m here when you need me.” It can be humiliating for your child to confess this kind of rejection. Being available and supportive is a good first step. Your child may open up later.
- Don’t knock the other kids. Yes, they are excluding and shunning your child, but criticizing them won’t help. Your child wants their friendship so don’t say: “Those kids are mean and stupid.” “Why would you want to be their friend anyway?”
- Talk to teachers. The teacher is with your child all day and will have some insights that will be able to help you.
- Start with one ally. One friend can be your child’s social entry card. Your child can start a one to one relationship with a child who is already in the group.
- Help your child blend in. If this is truly a group of friends that your child wants to be with, superficial as it may seem to you, take a look at the group and then make a few suggestions to your child about how he/she can blend in.
- Point him/her in a different direction. If one group rebuffs him/her, encourage him/her to make new friends that may be more appropriate.
- Encourage special strengths. Help your child identify what is special and unique about him/her. This can increase his/her self-esteem and confidence making him/her more resilient to be able to handle the pressures of social jungle.
- Help manage frustrations. This kind of rejection can be very traumatic so offer your child healthy outlets and strategies for coping – keep a journal, indulge in activities that can positively channel this frustration - sports, music, drama, creative writing.
- Watch for downslide. If you think that your child is having a hard time, be available. Schedule time together. Look for red flags such as poor grades, changes in eating habits, mood swings, anger or withdrawal.
- Use the school as an ally. Speak to the administration or the guidance counsellor. If you are very worried, seek help from the school social worker.
